Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
