So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
