Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i believe in u and ur pee
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
