You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
