my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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