You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
