it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
