how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
