I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
