needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
