i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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