i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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