I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
