He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
