spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
