I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
