She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
