my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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