K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
