I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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