i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
