I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
