upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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