i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
