btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
