guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
