Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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