we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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