All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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