i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
is it fun? or sober?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
