my sisters under your porch take her home
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize