6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
