dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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