At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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