new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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