dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
