So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
