I cannot find my penis.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
