Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize