He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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