Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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