Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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