You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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