allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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