I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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