Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
