I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
