i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
