i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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