i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
