The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize