go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize