If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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