Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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