your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
